Letting Go.

Letting Go.

March 21, 2023

Recently, I have been feeling called into actively letting go of the past. The context seems to be about letting go of the past in preparation for the next journey I embark on in this lifetime. I wonder why preparing always involves letting go…or at least it has played out that way for me. Letting go of people who don’t quite fit in the new paradigm…letting go of people who have become negative influences (or worse, toxic)…letting go who I thought I was…letting go of what I thought I wanted…letting go of the false self in order to make room for the true self. Sounds like a magical mystery tour, right? Turns out to be more of an obstacle course in which the illusions I have clung to get stripped away … sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Over the weekend I had a conversation with a friend in which I got honest with myself and spoke the words out loud…revealing another layer of illusion that I was holding onto. Another hopeful attaching to a fantasy that I was harboring. Releasing the illusion is painful, and there is a sense of being numb that remains. I feel a bit of anxiety rising in me, but that is the familiar resistance to acceptance.

Are the things I want part of the illusion that keeps me stuck and feeling like I am not enough? Like if I don’t follow the “plan” I will be somehow found to be undeserving, unworthy of something? But of what? Of happiness? Of contentment? Of peace? Of love? Feels like old programming. Programming that gets reinforced all the time, all around me. Falling into the illusion of there being a destination. The illusion of having “arrived”.  What does that even mean? I have been here before. This is simply the experience at a deeper level. More is being revealed. *sigh* 

I am being called out of the illusion and into my truth. My truth belongs to me. I do not need to get approval or permission for it. I also do not need to force it onto others. I just don’t like it when my truth means letting go of the illusion. Feeling myself thrown off the cliff once again and experiencing freefall. Feeling the panic and then realizing again that being in freefall is the norm. The branches of illusion emerge from the walls of earth around me. I grab one and hang on for dear life. This latest branch held the illusion of feeling “settled”. Of finding that “forever” person and living happily ever after. Nothing has changed, the branch just broke under the weight of my desire for the illusion to be my truth. My intense desire is for the freefall to be the illusion and the branch to be reality. I get it backwards all the time. The branch is the temptation back into the dream state of illusion. The seductive comfort of illusion.  I am always shocked when a branch snaps, always caught off guard. Maybe it’s possible for some branches to have stronger roots and I can hang on for longer periods of time. Eventually, each branch breaks and I find myself in freefall again – searching for the next branch that will offer respite for a time. Accepting this seems to be the challenge of the spiritual seeker…it has certainly been a challenge for me.

Each time a branch breaks I have the feelings of being a failure. I can’t help it. Here are the thoughts that came to me in response to that feeling today: Stop feeling like a failure! When you get honest and act from that honesty, you cannot fail.  Let it go – release it into the past. Stop holding onto the perception of failure – that is a lie. You have succeeded and grown in ways you couldn’t imagine. You have risen out of those ashes. It is time to fly and experience the true freedom of the spirit.  There are still a few tethers holding you back. They are getting weaker and will soon snap – so get ready!  The fear is normal. Acknowledge it. Be present with it and know that it’s just part of the process, of the journey. Stop looking for the destination, it doesn’t exist. Even in death, the journey continues. Embrace the collection of experiences that make up this lifetime. And have some fun!!

Illusions shattering is a sign that we are being called into more of who we truly are.

-MFL